I recently a request for my comments on this topic. Thank you for the request.
The following are excerpts from a 9/28/07 article by John Russell Powell from a site call The Part-Time Geek. The article is entitled, Help! How do I Stop My Kid from Looking at Porn? I don’t know John Russell Powell or The Part-Time Geek but from reading the article, I endorse what he has to say on this topic. The article is structured in a question/answer format and I have added my own comments to Mr. Powell’s original text.
Q: So, How do I stop my child from looking at this filth (on-line porn)?
A: Well, to be entirely honest, I don’t think you can….If they really want to access porn, I promise you, they will.
Q: So why don’t they work (referring to computer security programs)?
A: The devices used to restrict access to objectionable material are, in essence, just types of security. And like all security, they always have flaws, holes and weak points. Now, whether or not these flaws are big enough for someone to get around depends on a number of factors, but the most important of those being the skill of the person trying to break them and their level of motivation. The fact is that your son at 15, probably has 10 times as much knowledge and skill with a PC than you ever will. And as far as motivation, well, can you imagine anything more motivated than a hormone-driven 15 year-old in search of porn? I can’t ( This is not to suggest such security programs don’t have a role in decreasing the opportunity/availability of porn. They do play a role but not the whole role. They are a part of an overall approach. The only sure-fire way to stop your male is to not have internet service in your home at all. Another idea, that is part of an approach to this problem, move the computer to a public area in the house. Still another, put a password in the access steps to access the internet. Again…these are parts of an approach; not a complete approach by themselves.). In the age we live in, you will only be doing a great disservice to your child’s academic performance and social life, not to mention your own personal productivity by choosing this route. Also, consider the fact that the internet is available through other electronic devices other than your PC. So, you would have to get rid of them also…and probably your and all your other family’s electronic devices if you go this route. Consider for a moment this scene; your 13 year-old daughter can’t use her smart phone because you decided to disconnect all internet access due to her 15 year-old brother’s personal interests! As I say to people I see who are considering taking a step in life that has disaster written all over it…. “Let me know how that works out!” And what about his friends and using their phones/PC? My point is, even if you get rid of the internet in your home, they will just access it somewhere else instead. You can make it more difficult but you can’t totally prevent them from accessing it. HOWEVER, you can you influence how they view it once they view it.
Q: What can I do then?
A: The same thing parents have done for years….talk to them about it. Pornography is not something new. The internet didn’t invent it. Before, it was on TV; before that, it was nude photographs in magazines and pin-up calendars; and even before that, there were pornographic drawings. Now, what the internet has done is made it enormously available and wide varieties of it enormously available; that is new! What you can do is make sure your child has a positive view of sex. Help them to understand what is normal and healthy and what is not. Talk to them about it…… porn…the porn they are looking at. They need to know that what they see on the internet is not real. Explain to them that these people are paid “actors” at best or unwilling sex-slaves in many other cases. What they may appear to be enjoying what they are doing on screen, the reality is that their lives off screen are probably much, much different. Help them to understand that sex is a wonderful thing that is normally shared between two people, that it is just one part of the overall interactions between these two people; that it plays an important role in the relationship but is just that, just a part of the relationship. Talk with him frankly about how powerful his sexual urges are and his want to understand about this new and emerging aspect of his life; that this part of him is so strong that it will cause him to violate his values or the values of his family. The primary and most commonly reported response of most young men to looking at porn is a shameful excitement. The excitement is his sexual urges emerging. The shame is about his knowing at a deep level that he is looking at something that he should not be seeing. Said another way…he is violating his values or the values of his family. Talk with him about his want to look at such images. Explain that his want to look at such images reflects his emerging sexual curiosity and sexuality; explain how he could address such a want…through masturbation (depending on your personal/religious beliefs) and distraction/channeling of such energy to other, positive pursuits. This can go a long way to decreasing the strength of the urge to look at the images (so he is and/or feels less out of control about such urges) and helps him feel less ashamed of his sexuality. It is possible for them to grow up with this stuff around and still end up as adults with a healthy view of sex. It all depends on you though. If you refuse to talk to your kids about it and try to hide it from them, they are only going to seek it out more and determine their views about what “normal” sex is on their own; a dangerous proposition for a teenager to say the least.
The sex conversation will probably be a bit embarrassing at first for you and him but once you get past that, you will find that he has real questions. And don’t let it just stop with the one conversation. This should be a regular topic of conversation and should never be considered taboo for the. As they get older, they are just going to have more and more questions and I’m sure that you would rather that they get those answers from you and not just take as fact something they saw on a video they found on the internet. Now, this doesn’t mean that your 15 year-old son will stop gong on-line and looking at things that you prefer he doesn’t loo at. He is a teenager and has hormones that are in SUPER over-drive A room full of wild dogs and a ruler-wielding nun probably couldn’t stop him! But, at least this way, he can find out from a relieable and trusted source, what is real and normal and what is not. It can make a lifetime of difference.
More later…