Valentine’s Day – Tough Love

Ok…you don’t have a sweetie…what do you do on Valentine’s Day…..YOU   DECIDE   to    treat   yourself.  That is what you do.

First, consider “YOU” in the statement above.  Our society is still so hung up on the romantic idea of love!  We are still waiting/looking for/wanting to be that knight in shining armor…meaning we wait for it (love) to happen to us…and when it doesn’t, we are quick to make all kinds of assumptions, most of which are very skewed negatively.  When love doesn’t come knocking, with respect, get up and go do something!  YOU are the only one who can make a change in your world, in the areas that can be changed and in light of the fact that you can’t make someone fall in love with you, you could do something to distract yourself from the loneliness you feel.  This is not meant to minimize the loneliness you are feeling. Rather, this is to challenge you on your assumption that you can do nothing about feeling lonely.

“But the loneliness will be right there when the movie is over… when I finish my book… when my show is over…what do I do then?”

You either accept the loneliness or you do something else.

“But that sounds like alot of work.”

And being in a real, mature, growing relationship is also alot of work too.

It is so easy to think only of the fun, romantic, easy things about love on this day.  In truth, there are benefits to both stations in life. The question is, can you/are you willing look for them.

Second, your brain is constructed such that feelings CAN/WILL override your thoughts(hence we have affairs, make poor investment decisions, etc….).  But, you can override the override.

We humans are inherently social beings…we are made to be with other humans.  When we are not with others, in an intimate way, we feel something inside us…something uncomfortable…loneliness.  We are made to feel this under these conditions.  It is our body’s way of alerting us to a “danger” in our environment.  The internal (brain) structures that precieve your aloneness and produce the feeling of loneliness do this as a protective/survivalistic reaction (Why? Because early man lived longer when they lived in groups versus alone…More people to hunt for food and more people to have and protect childen.).

But just as we calm a child frightened at Halloween, we too can calm and reassure ourselves when we are scared of being alone.  And just as we may need to repeatedly reassure the child, we will need to constantly reassure ourselves when we are alone.

“But I don’t want to have to constantly reassure myself today/when I am lonely.”

And I bet you don’t want to get grey hair either…but you do and you make decisions what to do about it.

“Well, that is not the way the fairytale goes.”

No, it is not…but this is not a fairytale…this is life and sometimes, it is hard.


More later…

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