A few…days ago, I received a rather frantic call from one of the people who see me. She, the mother of two early adolescent boys said, “My two boys are looking at porn, what do I do?”
First, I had her take a deep breath.
She explained the situation. She was in the habit of looking randomly at her son’s phones. She discovered via the history, that her youngest, 11, has spent most to the day before exclusively on porn sites (She also indicated she had been noticing him spending more time in his room and taking very long showers!). She then looked at her 13 year olds phone…or tired to. He asked what she was doing. “I want to look at your history.” He hesitated and looked panicked. “What will I find on it?”, she asked. “Porn.” She’d taken her younger son’s phone. She took the older boy’s phone.
The older boy had begun crying after he indicated she would find porn on his phone. The younger boy started to argue about her looking at his phone without asking permission. When she told him what she found on it…he got quiet.
“What do I do about this!!!”
“What have you done so far?” She indicated she had told them, in a controlled voice, that looking at porn was not ok, that they knew that, that she knew it was natural for them to want to look at it as was it natural for them to masturbate (“MOM!!!”). “I am going to keep your phones for now and think about what I want to do about this. Then we will talk.”
I congratulated her on that last move. So often today, I find parents expecting themselves to know what to say in response to all the different things kids do. That is impossible and puts pressure on the parent. So, I like, “I’ll think about your consequences and get back to you!”.
She didn’t know what to do now. She believes that chronic use of porn will warp/skew a young man’s view of women and intimacy and relationships…I agree. “But how do you stop them from looking at it. How do I prevent them from developing a skewed view of women/intimacy and relationships.
A few suggestions:
“Boys, this is not the time for you to be looking at this stuff. There will be a time for this later but not now. I expect you to not look at this and will be monitoring what you look at when you are on the phone/computer in this house. I can control what you are exposed to in this house. You are responsible for what you expose yourself to when you are away from this house and me. This is like your bike is in the garage and it catches on fire.” The garage is not fully on fire yet and you think to yourself you can get in and get your bike but your dad and I and firemen have repeatedly told you to never go into a building that is on fire. You have to decide if you resist the urge to save your bike or take a chance. Just like the fireman is serious when he tells you to stay out of the building, I’m telling you to stay away from porn. Increasingly you are getting to an age where you are away from me and beyond my direct control and you have to make these decisions on your own. I know these images satisfies a curiosity and physical urge but looking at this can mess up how you look at women and sex and I don’t want that to happen to you…so I expect you to stay away from this stuff.”
“Looking at this can mess up your view of women, sex and relationships. It’s like thinking that all of playing basketball is making jump shots from watching LeBron James. There is a lot of positioning, reading strategy, conditioning, etc. that makes up a championship basketball player…not just the ability to shoot from 20-30 feet out. Looking at porn can make you think the only thing that counts when it comes to women or relationships is how to have sex and it is not. It involves much more.”
“What you see in these videos or magazines is not the way real women look/act/think/interact with men. These women’s bodies are fake, their reactions are fake. It looks real but it is not.”
“Consider this…these women in these videos/pictures are always “ready” for sex. All you have to do is turn on the video or open the site (or page in the magazine). Real women are not like this. Real women are busy, tired, focused on school, homework, work, etc. None of these women in the videos are like that. They are ALWAYS interested in sex and THAT IS NOT THE WAY REAL WOMEN ARE. And if you approach women that way, real women will break up with you. They, if you treat them that way, will feel used…used only for sex…which is what in fact you are doing when you access that material…you are using them to masturbate with.”
I can see these or any young man saying or thinking, “But the girls I sext with or make out with don’t seem to be offended by my sexual comments. They talk that way too!” My response would be to ask him how he feels about himself after to talks to her in such ways. I would point out that if he feels bad about his behavior, it suggests he has violated his values/principles…this is the body’s way of saying “You have just done something wrong!”. Further, while such talk is very physically exciting, it may cognitively/emotionally make you feel very bad. So, just because it feels good means you should do it…which is the basic lesson during most of adolescence.
“Further, opportunities to be intimate/sexual with your partner DO NOT happen the way they are depicted in these videos. Seriously, would you have sex with a stranger. No. You know all about the risk of diseases. But, in these videos, they don’t show that and because there is no risk of catching a disease while watching a video, that promotes the ideas that women are only there for sex, only interested in sex or that a real men must have sex with any woman whether he knows her or not, likes her or not, etc.”
“These videos/pictures don’t show any of the feelings/thoughts/consequences that occur before/during/after the act. Normal/mature/health/typical people feel guilty/ashamed/confused/scared/etc.. when they have sex in public, with a stranger, with your boyfriend’s best friend, etc.”
“Your urges and curiosity are incredibly strong and will lead you to do things that you will later regret and see how they were wrong. So, you need to be aware of that and watch/stop those urges before you follow them. It is like being a the mall and seeing something you like/want but you don’t have the money for it. You may have the urge to steal it but you also know this could get you in trouble…so you don’t take it. You have developed the skill of self-restraint in the area of stealing. Now, this situation is challenging you to develop self-restraint in the area of sexuality.”
I suggested she keep the phones for about 2 weeks and then give then back with stipulations…”I will look at them at any point, any further use of porn will result in further consequences (i.e., loss of the phone for 4 weeks, you will look internet service on your phone and household work consequences, etc.) and I will review your histories at suppertime”.
I also suggested she tell the boys examples of the struggles she has had resisting inappropriate behavior but that she developed self-restrain and she expects them to do the same.
More later…