She Asked for a Divorce

The following is an email discussion I had with a woman contemplating divorcing her husband.  At the time of our dialogue, she had just, in session, announced to her husband, directly, that she wanted to divorce.

This is a wonderful example of why it is difficult for women to ask for a divorce, “…it kills me to see the hurt in his eyes”.  Note her thoughts being “all over the place”.  Finally, look at my last response to her, specifically my challenge for her to take seriously her thought processes DESPITE what others would say.



As you know I have gotten off my chest that I do indeed want a divorce.

Though last night when we got home Bill begged me not to be done to give him one last chance. Even after I have told him I don’t think there is anything he can do now to change my mind. He really is hurt by me wanting a divorce. I know that he has hurt me for so long but it kills me to see the hurt in his eyes. I am having so many emotions right now that I can’t hardly think straight. I find myself using work to get a break from my mind these days. I know the choice I have made is not an easy one, or maybe it should be easy if it is really meant to be that way. I am completely all over the place with my thoughts, but it’s really hard for me to have a clear thought process right now. Is that normal?

Along with all this he has asked me to take a trip with him this weekend.

Would that be leading him in the wrong direction by going on a trip with him?

Please help me try to understand all my thoughts.





Real quick….I’m in between people.

It is normal….jumping from topic to topic. This is traditionally the most stressful situation most humans face. So, if you are confused, have a hard time concentrating or go from one thought/feeling to the opposite thought/feeling….know that that is normal.

Good point….or good awareness….that you have hurt a lot at his hands during the marriage AND that it hurts you that you’re divorcing him is killing him. That does not mean you are crazy or mean, that means you are human and empathetic… doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t divorce him however.

The invitation to the trip is I think a way of wooing you back to him.  Go at your risk. The same is true of having sex with him. The more you do, the more it will make divorcing difficult.  He is hurting and I am and I know you are sorry about that. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t divorce him.

Need to go.  If you have more questions, please email me.  These are good awareness’s on your part!



I do have one last question… Am I crazy for asking for a divorce? Bill claims this is me taking the easy way out….  I don’t see it that way due to the fact that we have been trying counseling sessions for at least two years and we are still needing to continue these sessions.  At what point is it OK to just say your opinion no longer matters.

He also is trying to bring our children into this by saying they are going to have an awful life if we separate, I feel very differently from that but he been there and I never have.



Responding to your question, “Am I crazy for asking for a divorce?”…..

You must answer that for yourself. I say this for two reasons. First, I’ll give you my answer AFTER you give me your answer. Second, this is a more serious question than you think.  If you think you are crazy, then you are crazy…..regardless of what you do or say.  I have worked with people who believed they were, for example, the “black sheep” of their family. Everything they considered doing or thinking they looked at as if it were something a black sheep did or does AND they often only did things that were extreme or inappropriate or disruptive….the things that they thought only a black sheep would do. So, if you think you are crazy, you will probably not take this decision as seriously as you would if you thought you were of serious and stable temperament and if things turn out badly, you could say to yourself that you did such because you thought you were crazy and you consequently did crazy things.

So….are you crazy?

I will answer this question only after you tell me your answer to this question.

In regards to, “At what point is it OK to just say your opinion no longer matters?” I am assuming that what you are saying is “At what point is it ok to just say Bill’s opinion no longer matters?”  That is what seriously considering getting a divorce is all about…..deciding that the other persons opinion doesn’t matter and you want to live your life how you see fit.  YOU must decide that….WHEN his opinion doesn’t matter. You wouldn’t be considering divorce if you hadn’t already been thinking about IF his opinion matters or WHEN it doesn’t matter. Most decide it doesn’t matter when they see a history in the relationship that reflects going along with the other person’s opinion has lead repeatedly to bad consequences for the person consistently, that this pattern will continue in the future and that they know that that to do such in the future would be bad for them/the kids involved. You must also remember that, if you decide to divorce and he doesn’t want to divorce, he will not agree with your opinion and you will have to pursue this course of action AGAINST THE ADVICE of him. Most people, especially women, are not comfortable doing such. The more you are aware that you will have to do that as you pursue your divorce, the less this aspect will de-rail you.

Please email me again if you have further questions.