After Divorce, Reflections…..

The following 2 articles are from the blog of someone who comes to me for therapy.  These two entries stand out.

The “Never Have I Ever” is a replay of a childhood game (kids, typically girls) get together and make statements starting with “Never have I ever” and the others are challenged to figure out if they are being honest or dishonest.  The author uses the phrase here to highlight the drastic changes she observed since her divorce.

From “We to Me” first laminates the shift after divorce to a solo “me”; and then calibrates it.  Learning to celebrate “me” is an essential skill of divorce.

 

Never Have I Ever

It’s been just about a year since I realized that my marriage was truly over.  It’s been just about a year since I heard the words, “I love her….I guess we get a divorce.”  And during that time there have been many more realizations-revelations-that have come:

Never have I ever thought I would be starting over before I turned 35.

Never have I ever thought my husband would tell me he loved someone else.

Never have I ever thought my husband would be living with his girlfriend in our house (before our divorce is finalized).

Never have I ever thought I would lose people who were like my family.

Never have I ever thought I’d feel heartbreak the way I have.

Never have I ever thought I’d make it through the pain.

Never have I ever realized what a range of emotions I could experience in my lifetime, let alone in just one day.

Never have I ever realized the strength I have within myself until I went through this.

Never have I ever realized how truly amazing my friends and family are – helping me at every turn, lifting me when I needed it….and, boy, have I needed it.

Never have I ever realized how much you need a friend’s couch and that friend who hands you tissue when you can’t do anything more than cry.

Never have I ever realized the power of a good cup of coffee or glass of wine with those same friends.

Never have I ever realized how much my friends are also my family.

Never have I ever realized how dark things can get.

Never have I ever realized how much the light at the end can bring you back.

Never have I ever realized how much my students can be a healing balm when everything else seems to be out of control.

Never have I ever realized how the laugh of a baby can calm the quaking in my heart.

Never have I ever known how a hug could convey so many different messages.

Never have I ever thought I’d be starting over, but also faced with so many opportunities.

Never have I ever realized what it means to persevere.

Never have I ever realized what it means to find my own strength.

Never have I ever realized what is most important to me in life.

Never have I ever realized what it means to take advantage of new chances…but I’m about to.

 

From “We” to “Me”

For almost 15 years you were in my life.  For almost 15 years almost everything was “we”.  For almost 15 years our friends were intertwined, our lives were one.  For 15 years the decisions we made were together.  But you made it so that is no longer so.

For the first time in almost 15 years it is no longer “we” but “me”.  For the first time in almost 15 years, when friends are getting together I no longer say, “WE will be there” and now I say, “It’ll be ME”.  For the first time in almost 15 years I only have one schedule to keep track of.

I’m still getting used to it.  I’m still adjusting to it just being me and not we.  Part of me feels out of place when a dinner is planned and it’s just me.  I’m not sure how the dynamic works when I get together with friends and it’s just me.  I’ve never been a fan of odd numbers, and yet now I’m the odd one out.  I’m always afraid I’m throwing off the seating or the arrangements or the partnering up when I’m saying, “You can count on me”.

But, it’s also just ME.  I can say I’m coming over for coffee this morning, because it’s just me.  I can say I’ll come out to California to run a race, because it’s just me.  I can decide to have only cheese and crackers for dinner, because it’s just me.  I can go out of town for a weekend, because it’s just me.  I can get a paddle board and enjoy it when my schedule allows, because it’s just me.  I can meet friends for dinner, because it’s just me.  I can stay up at night reading, because it’s just me.

While I’m still not used to it being me instead of we, I’m getting there.  I’m finding the joy in it being me.  I’m embracing new opportunities that come up because it’s just me.  If I can’t do something because money is tight, then it’s up to me.  If I want to say yeas to something, then I can because it’s just me.  It’s hard to get used to something that’s no longer there after 15 years.  It’s not easy to change the path I was on to this new one.  It’s up to ME.