The following is a list of requests a wife I am working with developed for her husband.
IT IS A GREAT LIST! I have worked with women before that developed such lists for their partners and by far, this is one of the best. It is specific. It involves small things (like hugs) and big things (like being a better parent). It is clear. Just a good list.
If you are a wife whose husband needs to change, consider this as a template for your list to him. If you are the husband whose wife is suggesting you need to make changes (and you don’t know where to start or what to change), consider these items.
– I want you to speak to your mother, grandmother, sisters in a more respectful manner (refrain from cursing, yelling, name calling) when you’re mad. If you cannot respect the woman who gave you life…how can you respect me as your wife and partner?
-When we are having a discussion in which we have differing opinions, refrain from raising your voice/yelling at me.
-Be patient.
-Be patient with me when I’m not doing things the way you think it should be done/the speed at which you think it should be completed.
-Be patient with others (when training new drivers for work, with our child when she’s learning new skills. etc.).
-Be patient with me while I work through years of trauma (trauma which occurred before and after we met. You may not have done XYZ for a few months; however, I am not able to be “over it” that fast.)
-Take the time to better yourself and do so for a minimum of 6 months (go to therapy to work through your narcissistic behaviors /toxic masculinity) regardless if you “don’t have the time or money for that.” You have one week day off, every week.
-That statement shows me our marriage is not worth you bettering yourself.
-When I sit/cuddle with you, get off your phone.
-Continue to pick up after yourself (trash, dishes, laundry) and maintain a clean household on your own.
-Help out with the dogs more.
-When you get home from work, take them outside to go to the bathroom immediately. They have been in the kennel for 8+ hours and haven’t used the restroom- how would you feel?
-Make sure they have water in their bowl when you get home.
-Take them out independently before bed three nights a week.
-If there’s a mess on the floor when you wake up, clean it up and don’t leave it for me.
If you cannot help me with the dogs, how am I supposed to want to raise a family with you?!
-When you start laundry, finish it to completion (hang up/put in drawers- not just lay it in piles then have me help you)
-Hug me with both arms, I shouldn’t have to ask. Ever. (You’re getting better with this)
-When applicable, agree to disagree and move on. Don’t beat a dead horse/prove your opinion is the right one.
-When we have an argument, learn when to stop, walk away from the conversation, come back and talk about it when we are calm to work through the issue. Moving on as if nothing happened irritates the shit out of me.
-Be a better parent.
-When (Madi’s mom) messages you, respond to her. If you’re driving- tell her you are and you will text back at the end of the work day.
–Do not involve me in financial conversations. When (Madi’s mom) sends you a copy of a bill for (Madi) (ex. car insurance, dual enrollment classes, meds, etc.) don’t complain. Figure out how you’re going to pay your half and do it. I don’t need to know specifics of the conversation. Figure it out, let me know you’re making the payment, and do it. Independently. Without my help. You’re a grown man, handle it.
– Pay your child support payments yourself. I shouldn’t have to go to the courthouse for you to pay it. You’re the parent, it’s your responsibility, you take care of it.
–Your mother is not the co-parent. YOU ARE.
-Date me more, just because we are married doesn’t mean that we stopped dating.
-When you’re angry, learn to walk away from the situation, calm down and talk about it. Arguing, yelling, name calling, throwing things (on a rare occasion) DOES NOT HELP THE SITUATION.
Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. James 1:19
I want you to respect me, like I respect me. Otherwise this marriage will not work. In doing these things shows you respect me.