When I was 5 or 6, I remember my dad taking me down to his work.  It was a Saturday morning; there was to be a parade that morning and we were going to watch from in front of his office.  Dad found a broken bottle of ketchup on the sidewalk several feet from the office’s front door.  I watched as my dad swept it up with a broom and dust pan and commented that no one would now step in it.

I also recall sitting around the kitchen table at lunch or dinner or in the evenings when my parents’ friends were over, listening to them talk about their lives, events , situations they had encountered.  To this day, I recall what I overheard…how  my mother, father or their friends handled situations; what the situation was, what they did and how it turned out.  I learned what to do and what not to do in such situations.

What I am describing is “indirect learning”…learning not by directly experiencing the situation but by hearing about it and learning from what others said or did… by watching/listening.

Now days, I believe, there is no indirect learning going on in homes.  Why?  Because mom and dad and the children are all on their electronics, playing games.

Recently, I talked with a working parent.  They got off work at 5:00 pm., home by 5:30.  They reported they played their games for 2-3 hours per night and their child went to bed by 9:30.  The parent had only one hour to spend with the child and we haven’t even discussed making supper and the child taking a bath before bed!

Frequently, I see children in my office who display behavior problems. When I ask about the child’s interaction with the parents, frequently, there is little and often it is because the parents are playing video games.

My instruction in such situations…Turn off the electronics, Turn OFF the electronics, TURN OFF THE ELECTRONICS!!!

Children learn from interaction, direct and indirect.  They listen to how mom and dad describe dealing with a “bully” (a.k.a. boss/pushy friend), they learn how you calmed down when you were upset, how you expressed your anger when you were mad.  They learn (from listening) that you can be mad but don’t show it and when that is appropriate and when that is not appropriate.

Consider this…One night a week, you/the family, everyone turns off all the electronics and sit around a table for one hour.  Then, everyone takes a turn talking about something that happened in their life that day and how they dealt with it or a memory they have that is important to them.  Then, after each person talks, people can comment on what they think about how the person dealt with the situation (This is what is called the “feedback” part of the conversation.).  The person speaking can “pass” on the feedback part if they wish.

Try to make it the same night, same time, week after week.  If you wish, invite others…friends, neighbors, etc. to take part in this.  After a few weeks, you WILL find you are interested in what this person or that person has to say about what happened in their life that day or what is going on with a particular person in that person’s life.

This is what we are really watching when we watch reality shows on TV.

This will be difficult to create.  Everyone, including Mom and Dad needs to participate.

I challenge you to try it and send me feedback on how it worked. I will post the feedback…I believe in this that much.  Send feedback to ed@esselmancounseling.com.

More later.

I recently went to a workshop on Bullying/Cyber-bullying.  The presenter was Janice Gabe of New Perspectives on Indiana (www.newperspectives-indy.com).  She presented a lot of interesting information about bullying and over the next few blogs, I want to share some of it as I am sure you either have or know of kids that you care about and can influence.

Ms. Gabe presented 8 reasons kids bully others.

1. Status is threatened.  The child’s status in their class/social group is threatened. How would a parent know this?  “Tell me about your day, honey.”, followed by listening to what is said, imagining your child in that situation and how you suspect they would react and asking follow up questions.  Further, add to this information that they shared yesterday about this or similar situations and ask any questions that seem appropriate.  This requires that you DO NOT ALLOW THE CHILD TO GET ON THEIR PHONE OR IPOD the minute they get in the car or home from school (AND YOU STAY OFF YOURS ALSO!).

2. Real or perceived slight or insult.  When your child describes having been insulted, ask them to explain the situation to you.  As the parent, one of your jobs is to help them see the situation from a broader perspective   Have the child describe the situation and ask about the people involved, what, to their knowledge, lead up to the situation and what occurred after it.  Sometimes, the child was insulted. But sometimes, they misinterpret what was said or done.  Suggest alternative interpretations and let the child think about such.  Also, relate similar circumstances that have happened in your life; both, times when you were insulted and times when you mistook an action as an insult (and what you did in that situation).  Children, especially teens, want to hear of your struggles in life and similar situations they are in and THEY WILL LISTEN to what you have to say in such situations  They don’t always show that they are listening but they do listen.

3. Response to a rumor.  In a teens world, rumors are real and are powerful, both in how they shape the views of your child in the eyes of others and in the child’s own eyes (in how they see themselves).  A number of options: If the child has the determination to try to track down what started the rumor, role-play with them confronting the person…and follow-up how they did with this.  Second, discuss with the child how they would react if they heard a rumor about one of their best friends…would they believe the rumor outright, would they question the rumor, etc.  Then, focus the child’s attention on how others are responding to the rumor and question with them if those people who believe the rumor are truly their friends.  Further, share with them your experiences about having rumors spread about you and how you coped, both at their age and now in your life as an adult.  Help the child to see the rumor in the perspective of time passing….remind the child of times when rumors were spread about one of their friends and over time, what happened to the rumor and her friend (as time when by).

4. Perceived cockiness or over-confidence on the part of another.  Remind the child what they know about this person’s personality.  If the other kid is historically overly confident or cocky, this is an excellent time to teach your child about the fact that their are arrogant people in life and discuss ways to cope (spelled “ignore”) such people.  Discuss your own experiences in your life, as a teen and now as an adult, dealing with arrogant people.

5. Threat to one’s own popularity.  Popularity, especially for a teen, is critical and any discussion with your teen must begin with you explaining that you understand this if you hope they will listen to you. Again, helping the child to see this in perspective is critical.  Reality is that people, as well as things, move in and out of popularity.  Help the child to see how they have perhaps been more popular at one time, less popular at another and then seemingly, later, more popular again at a later time.  Describe the same in your life.  Further, popularity has it’s roots in the person as it does in the audience.  For example, a politician can be popular because of a stance they are taking on an issue and/or they can be popular because the people they represent likes a position the politician has taken on a particular issue. So, sometimes we have control over our own popularity and sometimes we don’t. Further, discuss with the child the people they like or admire…are these people particularly popular in their community or is it something about the person themselves that your teen admires them for.  Have your child watch the movie: Mean Girls.  It clearly depicts the good but more importantly the bad side of popularity (loss of one’s sense of self) and then discuss what they learn and how it applies to their situation.

6. Fear of losing friendships. Again, it is critical the teen understand that you understand how important this is to your child.  Reality is that people will gain and lose friends, especially in their school years.  This is a function of the child developing their personality, shaping their values, particular interests they have, availability of like minded people, etc. The child may have lost friends as the result of something they or someone else did.  If they made a mistake, this is the time to teach them how to make apologies…to a person or a group. We adults do this all the time…show then examples in your life and in the media. If they have lost friendships due to other actions, acknowledge the helplessness and anger they feel.  Identify with such from your own life. Remind your teen of   examples of their friends having lost friends in the past…how did they deal with that…did they survive…what was good and bad in how they coped.  The loss of friends will occur in life….as will the making of new friends.  Help your child know that they can’t stop this but that they must learn to survive it and that you will be with them as they go through this.

7. Opportunity to enhance their own status. This is an important lesson for most teens…and challenge ..and it remains a challenge throughout their and our own lives.  Critical intervention to use…When they bully to enhance their own status, remind them when this was done to them or better yet, when they saw this done to another.  Ask/discuss how they felt about that, what did they think about the bullyer, the bullied, and themselves as they stood by and watched/allowed it to happen.  Discuss with them their life post-bullying/post enhancement.  How did they feel about themselves around the bullied person.  Was what they did worth it?  Suggest they think about that and talk with them later about what they concluded.  This must be done without shaming them.  You want them to look at their behavior and not act like they feel bad because they know you want them to feel bad for their bad behavior.

8. Response to a relationship disruption/break-up. Again, any intervention must be precipitated with an acknowledgement of how painful a break-up is.  Remember and share the pain you felt in like circumstances in your life, now and then.  Second, pain or bad behavior doesn’t justify bad behavior.  Make it clear for your teen that just because, for example, their girl/boyfriend treated them poorly, cruelly  rudely, etc., that doesn’t make it OK for your teen to do the same to them or others.  It the break-up just occurred, help them to differentiate how they feel and what they want to do in response to the break-up.  Next, ask them to then identify what are “good”/appropriate things to do in response to the break up and what are “bad”/inappropriate.  Further, point out that while doing the “bad” things may feel good at the moment, how would your teen feel later, about themselves.  If they have already reacted, i.e., bullied or acted aggressively towards the other, how did they feel at the time and how do they feel now.  This examination helps teach the child self-control.

More later.

These books were referenced in the May, 2009 edition of Redbook magazine.  They are some great books on parenting in this modern age.  Worth checking out…

1. I’d Trade My Husband for a HOUSEKEEPER!. Trisha Ashworth and Amy Nobile. They take a look at sex, communication and time together…all the things that take a nosedive after the baby arrives.  “Prioritizing children is important, sure.  But children aren’t the only thing in life (Read that again…Kids are not the only thing in life).  Many of us have gotten to the point where we feel like bad moms if we don’t put our children front and center, always…  Think about this: The backbone of a family is a good healthy relationship between the parents.”

2.  Bad Mother.  Ayelet Waldman.  Explores how it feels to be a parent in a world where your every maternal move is judged.  “…This is another one of those tightrope walks that make up so much of parenting.  One misstep in either direction and you’re bouncing in the net (or lying on the ground in a crumpled heap).”

3. If You Give a Mom a Martini. Julie Klappas and Lyss Stern.  “Every mom knows that finding a few minutes for yourself is the most important ingredient for keeping sane. If You Give a Mom a Maritini offers 100 ways to make the most of 10 precious minutes of privacy.”

4.  Unbuttoned. Ann Matturro Gault.  Twenty-five moms-some who loved breast-feeding, some who are ambivalent about it and some who opt out-have contributed work to this thought-provoking work, which covers everything from the logistics of nursing twins to the emotions of weaning. “…Nursing was our private conversation…”

5. Today’s Mom.  Mary Ann Zoellner and Alicia Ybarbo.  Today show producers, who also happen to be moms, complied their best tips from their team of experts.  “When the baby goes down, so do you.  Nap time is not your chance to catch up on housework…”

A few thoughts about giving children consequences…

I recently spoke with a woman who was describing a situation with her son.  She described she had clearly described the behavior she wanted from her child, why she wanted it from him, the time frame she wanted it and the consequences he would experience if he did not do it.  When the situation for the child to decide to do as asked, he refused and she, as she spoke, cringed and acknowledged that she gave him the consequences.

I stopped her and asked why she cringed.  She said that she felt bad about giving him the consequeces, “I didn’t want to take his electronics away…He likes to play with them…I don’t understand why he just didn’t clean up his room…Then he could have had his game…”  She indicated he accepted his consequences without much protest and she followed through with the consequences as stated.

I suggested to her that he EXPECTED the consequences and in some way was testing her to see if she would really give him the consequences.  My experience is that parents feel bad about following through with consequences but that their children really expect them when they are “bad”.  They get them at school when they are “bad” and are taught principles of social justice…i.e., these are the rules and if you brake them, you will get this consequence…it is up to you.

The trick is, I think, is being able to give consequences and still love them, not brow-beat them after you have given them(consequences).  So, when the circumstance calls for it, give them, still love them and watch…if you are doing it right, they(the kid) will accept them and go on.

More later…